Moving On
by TitaniumPenwrite
Summary: The skins cast reunite, ten years later. Their lives have taken a shocking turn; will Freddie ever get over his accident? Where's Panda? Will Naomi and Emily rekindle lost love? And what in the world has happened to Cook...
1. Cook's Descent

**_Disclaimer: I don't own any characters of Skins, or any rights to Skins. _**

**_Set: End of year 12, summer holidays. Cook is at a gig, drunk, high and unsure of how he got there._**

**Cook's POV:**

The beat is reverberating around my body.

Somewhere a bird's falling, a cloud's forming. Maybe I can breathe easy tonight.

I don't know where I'm going.

There's a girl looking at me and I'm looking back, winking, smiling, acting. I don't think I even told myself to do this. I just am. This is where I hide, in the flashing lights of chaos. Which band is playing?

"_We're breaking into shadows, finding circles everywhere"_

I don't know. Shit band though.

She's fit as fuck, if I'm honest, but I'm looking through hallucinogenic colours so how could I know? Dark hair is snaking around her shoulders and she's smiling at me ever so slightly, knowing blue eyes striking through the moments of black, in-between the beating lights. I draw nearer. I never go anywhere alone, I feel slightly exposed without Freddie or JJ to fall back on. Fuck them though. I love them, but fuck them.

Her outfit's dark and skimpy, her eyeliner heavily put on her face. Maybe I shouldn't look at her – I _have_ just downed a bottle of vodka. Maybe I should just feel, for once, tonight. I place my arm around her and lean in.

"Crap tune. Want someone to show you a _good_ time?" I ask cockily, a voice full of confidence. My eyes are flickering over her body, but it's for show - I can hardly see anything. There's a pause as she ponders my request. I'm full of impatience, it's a yes, it's always going to be a yes; who could refuse?

"Sure," she says; a deep emotionless response tainted with the smell of weed. Maybe she's fucked up in the head.

I don't care.

I take her hand and lead her outside, shoving through crowds of jumping teenagers. Someone shoves back.

"What the fuck? You prick," I shout back at one boy who thinks he can mess with me. He doesn't reply. A wise choice. Finally we're at the back and I press my hand against the cool metal bar of the fire escape door, savouring the loss of energy while wishing I had constant energy. I could do anything I wanted then. As I open the door, the air hits me like the truth in a lonely room, just so I can appreciate the warmth of her hand. Her other hand snakes around my waste, but I don't even know her name. I don't care. But wait, it's the polite thing to do isn't it? Fuck polite.

I close my eyes and turn around. These are the moments when I don't think of anything, I just do it – I just go for it. It's too dark to open my eyes, I won't see anything anyway. I know I'm inches away from her face and I'm pulling her closer to me, drinking her in; anything save for looking at her. She's just a tool. I'm just going to use her, like she's just going to use me.

I make the mistake of opening my eyes.

I know this face; I've seen it a million times. I know those eyes and the way they look like the Earth as if it had no land, as if they speak. But this girl is a copy, her skin isn't the same complexion, her eyeliner is shoddily done, she just isn't the same. And it's all too much.

I swear loudly then pull away, running blindly into some woods but images are flashing in front of me. The boat. The dance. The drive. Waking up on a road together. The woods. Oh, fuck, the woods. Am I in them now? Why can't she just leave me alone; why is she everywhere I go? She's following me now; I can hear her replica's footsteps. I miss the way I just knew she was like me, she could understand me – we could understand each other. How she hardly spoke but when she did I wanted her to never stop. Her cool exterior, her skin, her eyes; her _eyes. _

"_Just me and you now, yeah?"_

The girls drawing nearer, laughing manically - clearly high.

"Did I scare you?" she asks tauntingly.

Someone's got to bleed for this, someone's got to hurt. And it's not going to be me.


	2. Naomi's Memories

**_Disclaimer: I don't own skins and I have no rights to Skins._**

**_Set: By the river in Bristol, seven years after sixth form. Naomi is waiting for the reunion to begin._**

**Naomi's POV:**

Her outgrown brown hair smacked her in the face, making her eyes water. She hated the high winds of England. Would Emily recognise her like this? Sitting on the edge of the river overlooking the cranes; seagulls flocking ahead with delicious smelling café's all around and…it brought back memories. When her hair was still blond and she was looking into the future, not back from it. She sighed. Her clothes appeared washed out and tattered. Dark circles hung underneath her eyes and she pressed her lips into thin lines while in deep thought, a tic she had never been able to get rid of. A man stared, a baby cried and a boy jumped into the cool, English waters. Wait – wait, it was Naomi's child crying.

"Emmett, shhhh," Naomi soothed wearily, reaching out a finger to tickle his chin. His pink face screwed up in pain - the pain of not being in his mother's arms, a child's fear that knew of nothing else.

_It's beautiful in Bristol, really. _

Graffiti, seemingly fresh still from the time she walked these streets, jumped out at her like familiar puppets. Colours melded together as musical artists played lullabies, sending people's worries to sleep.

JJ. It would be good to see how his life had gotten on. He surely would have a good job, maybe not a girlfriend or wife but…Freddie perhaps would still be a skater. Katie, it would be interesting to see her. Had she grown up? Was she still an insecure bitch? Effy…now that _would _be interesting. Who knew which way that unstable girl could have tipped? Thomas and Pandora. The sweet, innocent couple. Was Thomas living back in Africa? What had happened to Pandora…Why had Naomi not stayed in touch with any of these people? She knew why. Why did JJ have to organise this reunion? Naomi wasn't sure if she could face them all again.

Closing her eyes, she forced herself not to think of the red, beautiful hair and the particular smile only Emily could do. She had thrown it all away – she couldn't claim it back. Now she had only one person in the world to think of, her annoying but incredibly precious boy. Letting a sly smile slip towards Emmet, she sucked in her pride and the deliciousness of having something to live for. He had cried for nearly the whole of the three hour journey to Bristol, driving Naomi absolutely crazy, but she adored him. He was the only thing she had in this world – she did not want to lose him, ever.

It was weird, Naomi concluded. It was strange, being back in a place she swore she was glad to see the back of. She wanted to remember what it was like being here, but she had changed too much to explore beyond going through the motions. Her feelings had gotten lost somewhere in her home city. Instead, her thoughts moved elsewhere…

Her A level grades; the biggest disappointment of her life. She could have done better, if it wasn't for that shit sixth form. Her mother marrying her teacher who had once broken the law by kissing her. University. Making friends with the wrong person, two months later that same person dying of cancer. Curling up under the sheets with Sam. Being in his arms, belonging somewhere. The cold patch the next morning indicating he had not slept there at all. And the love never felt good enough, never matched up. The dots weren't always connected. The pregnancy test. The cliché she thought she'd never be a part of. Her – a young, single mother. Sam leaving. Her independence _really_ being put to the test. Dropping out of university. Not living the life she felt she'd always live.

Shaking her head slightly, she almost fell off the wall she was sitting on and right onto her son's pram.

"Jesus, got to get my head together," she constantly talked to herself, her only friend.

"A pretty little head as well," the man who had been staring at her finally had the balls to speak.

"I'm not interested" Naomi's brash, sarcastic voice snarled at him. He didn't falter but moved closer, smiling with missing teeth.

"You're obviously not from around 'ere. No one can refuse me. Want me to…show you where the fun is?"

"If you think it's in your pants, you're very much mistaken," she refrained from swearing in front of her child. Much to Naomi's surprise, the man walked away.

Why did a part of her not want him to walk away? That was…sick. No, it wasn't, what she really wanted was for him to transform into someone she could love; someone who would love her back. Someone who she didn't always hurt or who couldn't leave her. She'd had someone like that, once. But Naomi always cocked her relationships up, thinking she was better off alone, hoping for some company.

The sun was beginning to set. The evening was getting cold. Where were they? Her son couldn't be kept out in the cold, so if her old "friends" didn't turn up soon Naomi would have to retreat back to the two star hotel. She'd rather stay out here all night than sleep in that disgusting bed, but now Naomi had a baby to think of.

And then she saw Emily, just standing a few metres away, looking out at the river too with a content expression. Naomi didn't understand why she felt like crying. Why her throat closed up and she couldn't speak – or move.

Her hair was still a deep red. She had been dyeing it that colour all these years? But it was long and pulled into a straight ponytail. How old Emily looked now, how her face had grown; how…there was only one word for it, _beautiful _she looked.

Emily spun slowly on the spot, as if she sensed a pair of eyes staring at her.

"Naomi," she stated simply with a friendly grin. Only the clipping noise of her high heels against the ground sounded as she approached Naomi. "It's been too long."

Naomi nodded curtly.

"It has. How have you been?" their conversation was stilted and slightly awkward, but it wasn't Emily's fault this time. Emily was the strong, confident one, wearing clean but smart black and white clothing with little makeup. Naomi let her eyes drink in the new image of her.

"I've been great, just came back from Australia actually. Your hair, it's brown?" she frowned, as if people never changed. As if they stayed the same forever.

"You can't dye your hair when you're pregnant. Well, you shouldn't" it was a blunt way to let Emily know what had happened in her life, but at that moment she didn't care.

"Oh right," Emily wasn't really listening. "So what have you been-" Emily had just noticed Emmett. Instead of gushing over the baby, she remained still and emotionless for a few seconds. "Oh, this is…this is…"

"Mine?" Naomi quipped, blinking at her in a Naomi-ish way. "His name is Emmett."

Emily nodded while smiling again, but it was not the smile Naomi knew. It was as if their foundations had been torn apart and they had to start their friendship all over again.

"Oh, he's gorgeous," the familiar beauty spot was still on Emily's face.

There was a few seconds pause.

"Who's the fath-"

"So, have you been in touch with anyone else?" Naomi asked, folding her arms and looking away.

"Yeah actually." Naomi looked back at her. "Obviously Katie." On Emily's face flashed a flicker of…remorse? "JJ. We're good friends, we've kept in touch. I know how Freddie and Effy are, they're still together by the way." She shot a sly look at Naomi, as if to insinuate something. "The only people I haven't heard from are Pandora and Thomas."

"Cook?" Naomi probed daringly. They both fell silent. Would Emily pretend not to hear her?

"No."

They avoided each other's eyes for a while after that, instead focusing on gazing out at the darkening river. Naomi shivered in her black, thin cardigan as Emmett began to cry. She picked him up, cradling him in her arms, glad of a distraction.

"Well, we should probably go and buy dinner or something-" Naomi began, only to be interrupted abruptly.

"JJ!" Emily's exclamation showed she was ecstatic. She ran away, hair swinging side from side and threw her arms around a tall lean figure.

He had changed more than Naomi thought was possible. His once curly hair was neat, well kept and short, his face was less baby-like with a more prominant jaw-line and when he smiled at Emily his teeth were perfectly straight. He couldn't have braces forever, Naomi figured. An unnoticed feeling panged deep inside her. Emily and JJ had remained friends, probably built a close relationship over the years while Naomi was kept in the dark about all her former acquaintances. And now, Naomi just wasn't important.

"Where's Hannah?" Emily asked, still smiling at JJ.

"She didn't want to come. She trusts me here," his voice still sounded posh and stiff, but he was obviously more socially adept than before, even making a joke. Emily laughed but Naomi didn't quite get it.

"Hannah's his wife," Emily explained.


	3. Freddie's Pain

_**Disclaimer: **__**I don't own skins.**_

_**Set: Same time as Naomi's chapter and in Bristol. Freddie and Effy are on their way to the reunion.**_

Limping along the sidewalk, oblivious to people's stares, I pursed my lips. It was hard remembering how I used to roll down these streets so easily, cruising along, never wondering what it would be like to lose the ability to skate. To walk normally.

"Stop thinking about walking, and walk," Effy told me. I hated how she always knew what I was thinking.

My hand fumbled for hers and a new warmth spread through me as my sideways glance proved she was doing one of her rare smiles. I made her smile. Me.

"I love you," I made sure I told her that every day, because I liked having a truth to tell. My only truth was her.

Her voice grew strained as she stared ahead; her tough look, the look which told everyone she was diamond-strong, but told me she was hiding.

"I love you too," it should have been a simple reply, but there was some other emotion behind her words. Suddenly she bounded in front to face me with her brilliant, terrifying eyes. I stopped limping. Passers-by must have wondered why a broken man and a beautiful woman were blocking their way, but it was as if the world did not exist around us. I don't know how long we stayed like that.

She pushed me roughly against the wall and began kissing me as if we had no place to be and no people to meet. Reaching out a hand to her face, intent on pushing her gently away, she grabbed it and pulled me closer to her. And suddenly I didn't care where we were going. The only one thing in the world worth paying attention to was the contours of her thin body, the soft supple skin that lay underneath her hard protective exterior and her cool fingers running down my back. At home I'd usually tickle her and we'd laugh until I leant in and took her lips by surprise, then pulled her towards the bed. It was hard because I had less strength than I previously possessed but she never protested. Our hands would lace together, both of us trying to get as close as possible, to eradicate the space between us. I always felt sad knowing there was space between us, as if our molecules should have merged together so she couldn't leave me. I'd tease her; tantalisingly peeling off my clothes while she cried out in frustration every single time, but she'd always crack. Eventually she'd walk up to me, half undressed until our faces were so close I felt like I could drown in her eyes. My hand would sneak up towards her face but with a swift movement she'd catch it with hers, take my other hand and move me towards the wall before pinning me there. Then she'd sweetly press her mouth against the corner of mine, keeping her eyes open, still looking at me. Those were the best kisses. But now there was only desperation in her kisses, as if she wanted to tell me something without words.

"Freddie," she mumbled into my mouth. I pulled away. It was a mistake, as she only wanted to be closer. Her hands wrapping, _clenching _around my face so hard it hurt, I let out a whimper of pain. Her kiss was so hard it felt more like she was torturing me but I couldn't let go, couldn't use what strength I had left to keep her away because I never wanted her to be away. "I'm sorry."

She took a step back.

"What for?" my eyebrows dug down into my face, but she smiled her elusive smile, turned on her heels and loftily walked paces ahead without me. Did she not want me with her, by her side? Was she just desperate to see the rest of the old gang? What was she sorry for, why did she never make sense until I'd pieced together what she was trying to say? I wished I could have been more intelligent. Then I would have been better for her.

I don't know how many times I have looked at you Effy Stonem and cursed myself for not being good enough. You're deep, like a black hole, sucking me in with every breath. But when you leave, I'm left floating aimlessly in empty space. I remember buying you a giant bouquet of roses and you throwing them on the floor, telling me to stop being such a cliché – but I saw you, Effy Stonem, in the middle of the night picking them up again and hugging them to your chest so tightly you stopped breathing. I couldn't stay mad at you.

What went wrong?


	4. Katie's Scars

_**Disclaimer: I don't own skins, not even one little bit **__****_

_**Set: Katie is late to the reunion and has woken up in her flat.**_

Katie jolted awake. She was late, always, always late. She felt sick. She was going to be sick for the first time in a year that wasn't caused by alcohol or drugs. Shit. Get to the bathroom in time, then turn inside out Katie. Get rid of yourself, starting from the inside. It's your fault. All your fault. You should be ashamed.

The fragments of her thoughts rearranged themselves sleepily, not asking for consent from her conscious mind.

You're supposed to be meeting them today, but they're better off without you. They'd be much happier. Look at where they've come from Katie. All over the fucking world; they moved away, got out of Bristol but you're stuck here in the waste you made for yourself. No, you are the waste, and they all had to get away from you. Couldn't even hold down a boyfriend, you're that disgusting. Ugly. Emily's prettier than you, she's meant to be your identical twin and she's more beautiful than you. She could be the individual but you can only be the clone.

You learnt to play the piano but what good was it, you couldn't stick at it. You bitch and you hate to make yourself feel better, then you hate yourself even more. There's nothing you can do. Who cares about slaggy clothing to show yourself off – what is there to show off? You're just a body. Something everyone uses then discards, because you're disposable, replaceable.

The phone rang.

"Katie, where are you?" a voice only slightly different from hers asked once she picked up.l

"Getting ready, you tit, I've got to look good, haven't I? Though I can't do much worse than you," she laughed a stranger's laugh in return. You could hear the sharp intake of breath Emily made, but it was not out of pain, it was out of frustration.

"Get here now."

When they were younger, just after Katie lost control over Emily, Emily would have insulted her back but now Emily didn't even bother.

She doesn't care about you, Emily. She's your sister and she doesn't even care.

The phone was disconnected and the bedraggled, undressed Katie sat staring at it. Instinctively she reached for her foundation, not even taking her eyes off the phone then smothered it all over her face. There were marks and whole canyons on her skin from years of chemical substances being smeared on there, dark circles underneath her eyes and scars from when Effy decided to hit her over the head with a rock. Cover up the mistakes, Katie, the old regrets carved into your skin for the world to see. Red lipstick, fake eyelashes, everything fake because the real you is revolting.

Katie began pulling on a silk leopard skin dress, far too small for her recent weight gain and shuddered slightly when familiar footsteps sounded in her flat. He repulsed her, her…no, he wasn't a boyfriend. Katie had known what a boyfriend was once, but now she only knew of different men every week who tried to make the loneliness bearable, but only made her feel worse. She had even forgotten this man's hair colour.

"Katie," he said, as if he was proud he could remember her name. "Babe, I want you."

She froze. God, not now.

"I'm about to go out, don't be a cock," she said forcefully. The tantrum was coming.

"Whenever I'm in the bloody mood, you're always going out!" he screamed like an overgrown baby. Sitting down next to her and grabbing her arm, she turned around, anger spilling from her eyes. His hair was bleached blond.

"Just fuck off, ok! I'm meeting friends. It's important."

He snorted.

"Friends!?"

He saw her face crumple. The only time she had let down her guard in a while. His face grew gentle, as it always did; his personality switching on and off like lights.

"I'm sorry. But…" a glint appeared in is eye. "One favour before you go?"

"What?" Katie turned her back to him and shoved on her black stilettos.

"A quickie?"

"What?! Urgh," she stood up and strutted out the flat.

He probably had abused all his other girlfriends, the fucking woman beater, but he couldn't touch Katie. She was untouchable and she had made herself that way. Throwing her hips into a desperate, embarrassing swing, she smiled naughtily at nearly every man on the street. This just gave her strange stares. Fine then – there must be some lesbians around here, Katie thought to herself. She started smiling at the women too. Soon a gap in the pathway had formed for the pitiful slag to walk through, Katie's very own catwalk. As she smiled at everyone in a seductive fashion, she began laughing. It's funny how no one will love me. Look at their faces, but they should try showing off once in a while. A bit of skin never hurt anyone.

"I wouldn't pay ten p for that slut," the words pierced through her fragile skin, crushing her vital organs but as long as the makeup and clothes were still there she'd be ok.

"Is she ok?" a teenager asked her friend, a worried look on her face.

You're not ok, Katie, but you don't deserve to be ok. Didn't even get any qualifications worth getting. Failing all your A levels.

She thrust her hips farther to each side and contemplated hitching up her dress.

Why are you doing this? What are you going to achieve? A new voice crept into her mind and lay down like a dog, unwilling to move until it was heard. Why don't you just do something with your life?

Because you don't deserve to, because you're weak and unwilling and could never match up to Emily. Emily travelled the world in one year, helped children in rural places, saw the world, lived…what have you done? Nothing. Working as a waitress, working in a food store, disappointing your parents. You even failed at football. Lost all your competitiveness. And why?

You know why.

The memories flooded back to Katie as she tried to clean them away, wipe the stupid slate clean like she had always been trying to do. A crack shot through the air. Her heel broke and she tripped, crashing to the floor. Cries of pain filled the street, quickly turning to cries of anguish, her attempts at trying to push away the film screen that had developed in her mind. That night, that night she felt sorry for JJ so took him to the gig…and her life had been going perfectly, she was finally fixing her broken self esteem…

"I'm nothing, I'm – I'm – I wish I could disappear, so pathetic!" she started crying rather loudly to herself. People shifted around her, shaking their heads in shame – the mental-breakdown-woman who needed to just stand up and walk on like the rest of the world, swallowing every problem, sucking it all up. A couple walked up to Katie, the woman yards ahead of the man, and both bent over in awe.

"You really should just ask that voice why it thinks you're pathetic," Effy said. Wait – Effy? Katie looked up and squinted at the harsh sun's glare. It _was_ Effy, she could see the outline of brown hair next to…Freddie! His tall, muscled stature, his tanned, beautiful skin and his mop of dark hair…he hadn't even changed. Oh gosh Freddie, how Katie had missed him – but he was with Effy. And Effy had said something about voices…Effy had never made sense so why did Katie expect her to now?

"What? Fuck off loser, I didn't say anything," standing up, she banged shoulders with her as she marched passed but the desired effect evaporated against the iron shoulder blades of Effy. She was forced to stop, their shoulders still touching. Effy bent down to Katie's ear.

"Because that voice has never given you a reason, has it?" Effy whispered. Don't you dare look down on me, Katie thought. You're just as fucked up as I am. "The reason you're pathetic is because you let yourself be."

Turning slowly to watch Effy's back as she linked arms with Freddie and disappeared down the dark lonely path, Katie tried to ignore the stream of tears flooding her cheeks.


	5. Thomas' Aid

**Author's note: Really sorry it took my so long :( I just had no muse and Thomas is really hard to write…**

_**Disclaimer: I do not own skins. I also do not own the poem I carry your heart by E.E Cummings which is distributed throughout this chapter.**_

_**Set: Where Naomi, Emily and JJ are in Bristol at the site of the reunion.**_

**Thomas's POV:**

I think in different languages, all jumbled together, as if my thoughts aren't already confusing enough. They consist of intellectual philosophical thoughts sometimes, but mostly they consist of my family and how my brothers and sisters are doing with their new education and how I never got the chance. Every once in a while, they drift off to a girl I used to know. I've moved on. Mais j'espère…But I hope, I hope I am not the only one who remembers her.

i carry your heart with me

Standing behind an oak tree planted squarely in the middle of that street, I watched them with despairing eyes. I hadn't changed much; perhaps I looked slightly older, slightly more withdrawn and slightly more English. I didn't wear five jumpers. I didn't even flinch at the cold weather; cold in comparison to Congo. Maybe my eyes looked different. Maybe they were older and more scared, because I knew I could bleed by then.

After half an hour of contemplating whether to go over and greet them, JJ waved and waited for me to hop over. When I didn't, he walked up to me, held out his hand and said quite happily,

"How have you been?"

His confidence had escalated as well as his height and he just looked like a regular, laid-back guy. No one could see his hidden horrors.

"Good. And you?" I said. I was not smiling.

My eyes, cold circles imprinted on a daunting face, can reflect who I am. I believe people are what they are because of what has happened to them, which is why I can summon this haunted face against people who I have no connection with or sympathy for. JJ did not look taken aback by this face. He merely stared back as if he was disappointed. He did not answer.

Instead I turned my attention to Emily, absorbing in her new look while starting a smile.

"You look stunning," I told her truthfully. She smiled a full, confident smile unlike the ones I had seen from her in the past.

"You don't look too bad yourself," she hugged me warmly and I found it comforting being in an old friend's pair of arms.

A few metres away hung Naomi with a pram. My smile widened. As lost as this brown haired girl (she still looked like a girl to me) was, the finger which had the hand of a child wrapped round it showed the vastness of her heart. No father stood by her side so I quickly assumed she had been left by him, but the bond between mother and child was so beautiful it did not matter. They looked like they had never left each other's side, not even once.

(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

Two figures were slowly coming to meet us. By the look of the fashionable boots, skimpy clothing and un-kept hair I could tell one was Effy. Her partner was limping. No – it couldn't be, was that Freddie?

After a few awkward greetings and strange atmospheres, we all stood around like lemons, wondering what to say – or do. In this time I exercised my people watching skills. Naomi had been staring at Emily ever since Emily had arrived. At first I wondered if Emily was staring at JJ, but then I noticed her sneak a few glances at Naomi. It was clear something was still there. Effy held her cool stare which told me she still was as elusive as ever, while Freddy gazed at her like a lovesick puppy. He looked older than everyone else. Like he had suffered more. JJ was goggling at Effy as if it was the first time he had ever seen her, yet his close proximity to Emily suggested close friendships were more his cup of tea. My eyes lingered on the oak tree I had been leaning on earlier and the plaque beneath it. The one person who was not here to watch. "In loving memory of…" I remembered planting it years ago.

"So, shall we go and drink in memory to her then?" I raised the obvious question nobody dared ask. In return I got strange glances from everyone.

"Who?" Effy snapped, angry at the fact I made no sense and she couldn't figure it out for once.

"What?" Naomi spoke up.

I pointed at the tree.

"Pandora, of course," I was bemused. How could they have forgotten her?

"She's coming," JJ told me, raising his eyebrows slightly. I stood there in awe.

"No she's not."

JJ's eyebrows elevated further.

"What is going on?"

"You know what is going on! You know she can't make it! She obviously can't make it!"

"I sent her an email…I just assumed she was coming. Why, has something happened to her?"

"But you chose this spot." JJ shrugged at my response. "You chose this spot, you must know."

Everyone exchanged puzzled glances, angering me.

"You mean – you me…none of you heard?"

Their looks were unanimous.

"No."

"She died as soon as we all left sixth form."

I fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)I want

no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

The crash, the smell of burning rubber, the heart – the heart donated as soon as she was declared dead at hospital. Me gripping her hand so tight nothing in the world could have made me let go, but she was dead, so nobody demanded me to let go, because there was no chance she could live. We had broken up a month before. They had to perform surgery in two seconds but I wouldn't let go. I kept staring at the cold face which would haunt my nightmares for years after. I kept, I ke-

A familiar face broke into my memories, through the veil of reality. She came strutting up, her weight gain obvious, yet she still managed to look anorexic and malnourished. Her skin hung against her body as the thin, clingy piece of leopard skin material contrasted with the goose pimples against her skin. She was cold, but she knew this was England.

She was clearly ill.

"Katie, you look prettier than when I last saw you," I smiled a sweet, shy smile through the electric shock which had just rested upon Naomi, Emily, JJ, Effy and Freddie. Katie needed some comfort, it was obvious. Some compliment. The others needed a few moments to register the information I had just given them. Katie's grin was manic and terrifying. She looked like she was about to break, fakeness oozing from her face.

"Thankyou, cheeky," she winked and continued to grin. A memory stirred in the back of my mind. Hadn't Emily once said that…?

I noticed Katie's heel had snapped and looked down at my trainers. Almost laughing at the coincidence, I took off the trainers I had once leant to Emily years ago on a cold, dark evening and handed them to Katie. Suddenly her face was no longer fake. Staring at the shoes and back at me, she shoved them back into my hands.

"You don't want me wearing those," she whispered, staggering closer to my face, delirious. "I'm filthy."

It was embarrassing and sickening seeing her like this. Trying to flirt with me in the strangest of manners…but she wasn't trying to flirt.

"I'm disgusting. I'll ruin your trainers. I don't deserve them," her voice had become venomous, horrifying and harmless. She was leaning forward so far that she tripped and fell into my arms. It wasn't romantic. It was pitiful. Quickly I picked her up and carried her to a nearby bench, laying her next to me so her head was resting on my lap. She needed sleep so badly, and in my comforting arms she was soon relaxing for the first time in months. Years, perhaps. I stroked her hair, nearly crying, because the assumptions I had made about this girl years ago had all been broken. She was broken. I feared it was beyond repair. Taking off my jacket, I placed it neatly over her as she rolled over and snuggled into my stomach. What if this was the closest she had got to home in a while?

Everyone else had left to go to a bar because the night had changed to pitch black. After staring solidly at the tree for a few minutes I tilted my head back. I let out a hushed "O" sound. The stars were concealed by light pollution from the first city I came to in England, yet I felt as though I could see right through it. I could see the stars.

Pandora.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


	6. Pandora's Moon

**Disclaimer: I don't own skins. **

**To Miss Peg: Don't worry about criticising me, I love it because I need to know where to improve :) You're right how Emily needs to come to her sister's aid, which is why I've developed a plot line to explain why she didn't. It will come later on in the story. Thankyou so much for your reviews :D**

_**Set: A week before the reunion, in prison where Cook resides.**_

**Cook's POV:**

He cowered in the corner where the other inmates couldn't see him, reading through the tattered piece of paper he had kept all these years.

_Wizard, mum's making mashed potato, chicken and peas. I can hear her in the kitchen, should be great. I'm so hungry – I could eat anything. But maybe not, because everything has gone to the shits, in Effy's words. She's coming over later to discuss today. And the past few weeks. I'm hoping I can persuade her into having a mash potato fight, but mum wouldn't approve._

_I didn't know Effy swung both ways but I bet she's going to tell me that she only did it to see what it felt like. I still can't believe her and Naomi…well, I just can't believe it. She said Tony did the same thing with one of his hot gay friends, so I asked why she was trying to follow in his footsteps. She told me real slow and nastily, _

"_I don't follow in anyone's footsteps" _

_but she obviously is trying to follow in his footsteps. Poor Emily. Poor Freddie, but he doesn't know and Effy's said she isn't going to tell him. As much as Effy's my best friend, I still can't believe her. I should know what she's like now, but I guess this proves I don't._

_Year 13 aint going so good. I'm failing my beauty or whatever it is course because I just skip loads of lessons – honestly, I'm useless. I picked retarded courses. I am retarded. But me and Thomas, we're still together and he's all that matters to me. I think I love him. I can't believe how much Cook nearly fucked us up…and I thought he was a nice bloke._

_But the thing is, I think Thomas is going to dump me. He hasn't been talking to me much lately. He says its family stuff, like he's trying to settle them in since they moved here but he doesn't seem interested in me anymore. I think he needs space so I've been giving it to him, but I saw him hanging around with Katie the other day near the sweet shop (I go there to get drumsticks, I have an addiction to those little buggers) Katie looked happy with him. I felt like my stomach would explode with jealousy. She can't keep her mitts off other people's boys. Not that Effy was very nice to Freddie in the beginning. But another thing; Katie looks…strange. Tired all the time. She's missing lessons. Something's happened to that girl and I know I should feel sorry for her but she doesn't need to go stealing my boyfriend over it._

_But Naomi and Emily were sweet, they needed each other. Naomi really needed someone to be nice to her for once and Emily needed someone who took her seriously and now they're…poof, no more. I know what Cook would have said, if he was his usual self. _

"_Wish I was there to see Naomi and Effy getting it on - I could have joined in"._

_I have a suspicion that if Naomi wasn't a lesbian Cook would have tried it on with her. Who knows, maybe he already has. JJ and Cook have stopped speaking. I dunno what's up with them._

_Freddie. He's skateboarding more than ever and he's really happy. He's gotten so good, they say he can enter the championships. It's weird how his family always end up in the limelight – did you know Karen, his sister, is now in some pop group? They're not very good but loads of boys at school fancy the pants off her._

_I tried heroin the other day. I'm so scared I'm addicted now that I just stopped straight away. I still feel sick from when I ate all that coke. How was I supposed to know you snort it? _

He revelled in her words. His link to normal life. When JJ hadn't blown it and he hadn't been left to rot in this cell. When he had never heard the inmates terrifying, intimidating howls in the night. When he hadn't been hated, even in hell, amongst the worst people imaginable.

_I'm supposed to be doing coursework for my stupid A levels at the moment, but I just feel like what's the point? I might as well write something useless in here. I wish Thomas would come over and play his instrument for me again. It's beautiful, he's beautiful. _

"We're gonna get you, Cook," the first howl pierced him.

"Roast you alive," the words would have been funny if they were empty of threat. If there was no real potential of danger.

_He just texted me. Shit. He says he needs to talk. Effy's just texted me. Shit. She's said she's buying Ben and Jerry's ice cream on the way here. But how would she know I'm going to be upset? Shit. Someone's ringing me. It's Emily?_

Before Cook was arrested, he went and sat in Pandora's empty bedroom, telling her mother how upset he was that she was gone. It was midnight and really he was hiding from the bright police lights. But he found her diary, clumsily fumbling around in the darkness. He found interesting things she had written throughout the past year. Things he could have used it against them all, but he was found and JJ got his stupid wish. Nobody believed the real story.

JJ still never understood why Cook was hiding in Panda's room. JJ thought Cook was fooling around with Pandora; JJ didn't know Pandora was dead, because a few weeks before, the whole group had fallen out with her. She stayed in her room and never came out, but she had nothing to be ashamed of. It was them who should have been ashamed.

She died just after they all left school and not one of them bothered to contact her. Not one of them knew.

Cook remembered seeing Thomas with his bags at the bus station and his family. His siblings comforted him as well as his mum, because he was a wreck. Cook remembered the jealousy - no one was there to hold Cook when he fell. Cook and Thomas were the only one that bothered to grieve Pandora. Panda was beautiful and deserving of life. Cook could no longer live in the moment. He was as broken as the people surrounding him.

_I'm crying so hard. Not even a drumstick could cheer me up. Thomas has just come round to my house to tell me we can't see each other anymore and Emily rang screaming something down the phone about Katie being in danger of hurting herself and only I can help her. I talked to Katie but it was all gibberish, but it involved Thomas._

_I think Thomas has cheated on me with Katie. But Effy is telling me it's something worse. Actually, Effy's telling me to stop fucking writing so much before I have an orgasm over my pen. I better go._

Outside the miniscule window perched high on the wall, the moon sunk like a huge glowing orb that got too heavy for the sky. Cook was waiting. It was nearly dawn.

Today was the day he would be set free.


	7. Emily's Love

_**Disclaimer: I don't own skins, sadly. I do own Emmet and Hannah though (random characters I made up for the sake of the plot)**_

**Set: At the reunion. **

**Emily's POV:**

I've been here before, but I built up these walls to keep the memories of her away. I've stood before this girl and felt belittled, betrayed…the way she could tip how she made me feel. Sometimes I felt weaker than her, less than her, but occasionally when she held me and I curled up in her arms I felt like something precious. Precious to her. But I wasn't precious at all.

We're sitting in a bar, everyone silent. Everyone feeling guilty and sorry for themselves. Well they should have made it up to Pandora, they shouldn't have ignored her – then they would have gotten this grieving process over with years ago. I feel like a string is keeping me upright. How could none of us know? Effy is solemnly staring ahead; not registering Freddie's loving arm curling around her shoulder. Some friend Effy turned out to be. Not even noticing her best friend's death. JJ has ordered us all beers, braving a smile while attempting to talk to me but I'm not listening.

I can't help but sneak a glace at Naomi. I've decided she looks natural and beautiful with long brown hair. Have you ever sworn you don't need to love anyone, only to find you've loved someone all along? And the worst part is you like this person for their friendship and company and who they are; and even if they're good looking, it really doesn't matter? And there's no possible way anything can happen between you and this person because the past is too heavy and tainted and…in existence?

I look up into Naomi's eyes as she quickly glances away and I can't figure out what's there. It catches me off guard. You see, I usually know people – I can usually suss people out…but it's like her eyes have shut doors, but not even in a mysterious way, just like she has suffered or she is older than her age so doesn't dare give anything about herself away. She's…I just don't know. It's the way she's hunched over and how her mouth curves downwards and I want to reach out and smooth it into a smile, because if she smiles, everything will be alright.

I've had a nice life. No, I've had a brilliant life, but I want to throw it all away for a girl who is obviously not happy with her own life? Who obviously will just hurt me again? I start ticking off lovers I've had. Jennifer, Amelia…Rachel was the sweetest, but it just wasn't right. None of them were perfect. But I knew what my heart was doing, it was constantly comparing them to Naomi and that was wrong. But I had fun. I had fun going with charities and helping children in rural places, I learnt what it was like to grow up and appreciate life. I've lived. I've battled my family's problem with me being gay. I've overcome them. And that's ok.

Katie's outside with Thomas and I'm getting slightly worried. For months she's been shoving me away, bullying me worse than ever and seeing her just then…I'm shocked. I just – I just don't know what to do. I thought she'd be living a nice life like I have, I thought she'd get somewhere. I thought she was better. God, I'm a shit sister, I'm just awful, but what she's done to me…How can I forgive her?

JJ is leaning closer to me, his finger gently resting on my arm.

"Emily, are you ok?" he's such a caring friend. I really do love him. I shake my head slightly yet pointlessly because no one is looking or listening anyway.

"Shall we leave, just for a little bit? The beer's too cold, it's freezing my tongue, Effy looks like she's about to slap Freddie any minute, Naomi looks like a wet sundae and Thomas and Katie are god knows where. Not that I care, but -"

"JJ, shut up."

His voice is so quiet I wonder if it's the voice he uses for Hannah when it's midnight and no one can hear. Yet again, I shake my head. But his mouth draws nearer to my ear.

"Please, Em? I need to leave"

Rolling my eyes jokily, we get up and begin to walk across to breathe fresh air. I say walk, but we're both trembling for some odd reason. How could I not know Pandora was dead.

Now we're outside and he's bringing a fag to his lips.

"I didn't know you still smoked," I tell him, staring at the smoke as it lights up, surrounded by darkness. He shrugged his shoulders then casually turned to face me.

"Where do you want to go?"

"What?" I'm not registering what he's saying.

"Let's just get away. I'm sick of here. I'm sick of her."

"Her?"

I'm so stupid.

"Hannah. Emily, don't you get it?" I shake my head but wince in pain because the cold has numbed it. "I want you."

Time stops.

"No," I moan, shocked. "No, no, NO" I'm screaming, flailing my arms but I don't care. He's the perfect friend and he's throwing it all away. Hasn't he got that I'm gay?

My hand raises up to slap him, to hurt him, but I stop it. I just try to sprint away because there's no point being here anymore. It just brings back stupid, painful memories.

It's that moment when I hear her voice.

"Where are you going?" Naomi sounds smaller outside, like she loses her voice in the big wide world. The prams been left inside the bar and she's holding Emmet close to her. He's wrapped up in a blanket, his arm reaching up to her face. It's such a beautiful image I nearly blurt out what I think.

"Home." it's an instinctive response, but the truth is I don't have a home. I just go wherever I feel like going. With or without some organisation.

"I wanted to…well, you know. Get to know you"

She's staring at me. We don't know each other? I know you, Naomi and I know that you can break me. Out of the corner of my eye I see that JJ is moving away from the bar, clearly pissed off.

"He's in the same hotel as me. If you need to talk to him, I can take you to him," Naomi tells me, understanding where my eyes lead her. I understand the context underneath her words. My next sentence, to any passerby or stranger, would seem weird and out of the blue.

"We were good," it's an effort to stop myself from breaking apart and spilling out every word I want to, no_, need _to say. She nods in silence as I try to disconnect and get away, back to the caravan.

"Wait," she called. I stopped. "Just don't go."

"Why not?"

"Because I like being near you. Things are clearer, life makes sense."

"Your life should make sense to you anyway."

I turn to face her. She looks so lost.

"Well it doesn't."

There's a huge pause as both of us try to figure out what to say.

"Don't make me do this," I plead with her. I've worked so hard at keeping away. "Not again, you've hurt me so much."

Her face is growing red as her eyes fill with water.

"I'm so sorry, I never ever meant to hurt you Ems! Please believe me!"

I'm walking away, but my feet stop of their own accord. _Keep on walking you stupid feet! _I tell them, but I know I don't mean it. I know it's me who wants to stop. Then again, I know what I have to do.

Tiptoeing slowly up to her, I give her my hardest, most meaningful stare.

"You know we can't do this," I place my hand on hers in comfort. She's still cradling her baby in her arms.

"Don't you want me?"

Tears are properly streaming down her face and I just don't know what to say because every inch of me wants to kiss them away.

"Of course," my mouth betrays me, stuttering the words in a deep raspy voice I thought I'd stamped out of myself. Pulling my hand away from her I stutter out a few inaudible words and move away before I end up throwing myself at her, betraying my whole body. The words I hear last are the most heartbreaking.

"I don't want to be alone anymore"

It's five in the morning and I'm sprinting back to the spot where me and Naomi were hours before. I'm running because time runs out. Time runs faster than me. Mistakes need to be corrected. The creepers out after dark are staring at me because I'm a mess; my face a wet mass of despair, my top ripped beyond repair and my hair breaking free from its tight, neat ponytail. My face crumples as I sink to the floor near the beautiful oak tree dedicated to a long lost friend. Here are the pieces of my life where I left them. Now I've got to fit them back together, complete them before I move on.

There's a pair of legs next to me. They're so close I can see the goose-pimples indicating this woman is cold. Standing up abruptly, I realise it is Naomi.

"I went back to my h-hotel room, first, Emmets there-" she says through sniffles. I wonder if she calls him Em, and nearly laugh at the irony, but then sob because I need her to laugh with me. "I shouldn't leave him but I told myself I'd only be a m-minute –"

But she can't finish, because I've grabbed her face and forced our lips to meet. I can't even feel where my hands are because I've longed for this moment my entire life and I'm lost in her and everything she is.

Things in life happen for a reason and we've just got to keep rebuilding, even when walls come crashing down. But this time I'm rebuilding my walls with her inside.


End file.
